Exclusive extract from ‘Ma Cherie Amour’ by Antonia Cartland Blair

The story so far: In the middle of the night, our hero Antonio has fled from the malevolent grip of the brooding Baron Brown. After several hours of wandering around Islington, he espies a lit window in a much more tasteful mansion, filled with elegant soft furnishings, healing crystals and scented candles. He has found solace with his childhood sweetheart, Cherie.




Chapter 12

The rain set early in tonight. The sullen wind was soon awake. The tree-tops tried their utmost to resist the elements, as I, too, tried in vain to resist the attractions of the raven-haired temptress draped by the glowing embers of the log fire, an antique glass of even more antique whiskey – a gift from Signorio Sergio Bersculonio – in her beautifully manicured hand.

The heady scent of burning applewood, the rich amber tones of the spirit, the deliciously seductive fragrance of Tramp by Lentheric affected my senses. I threw caution to the winds and myself at my beloved’s feet.

She cradled me in her arms and soothed me; told me what I needed to be told; strengthened me; made me feel that what I was about to do was right… And that the rug could be dry-cleaned anyway.

On that night of the 12th May, 1994, I needed that love Cherie gave me, selfishly. In that I was selfish, not she – my syntax is unclear. She, as softly plump as a silk, goose-feather-stuffed counterpane; she, raking those manicured talons across my back like a snake with fingers; she, giving me her utmost attention whilst simultaneously checking the property ads for Bristol …

O! O! O! I devoured it to give me strength, I was an animal – a panda, a tiger, a horned rhinoceros – following my instinct, knowing I would need every fibre of emotional power and resilience to cope with what lay ahead. I was exhilarated, afraid and determined in roughly equal quantities as I kissed her roughly – as in approximately rather than without due care and consideration as it was dark and not easy to find (just like those pesky weapons of mass destruction) – on her swollen lips and took her roughly – as in approximately as well as without due care and attention – on the Axminster rug.

“Was that it?” she murmured in slightly petulant tones as she reached for my vest.

I was restored, victorious, ready to face my vicious Scottish foe, my arch enemy, my nemesis, the man with the emotional intelligence of an amoeba. Ma Cherie amour! I am a man once more.

TO BE CONTINUED

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Fresh on the market..........this unique little runabout is just perfect for displaying soiled old relics for public amusement.

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Also ideal for transporting very tall passengers, bulky upright furniture or leaders requiring plenty of headroom to perform straight-arm salutes at rallies.

One careful owner, immaculate condition.
Unusual driving position on the far right.
Top speed 5mph.

No offers – please leave donation in collection box.

The Internet

The Internet

The World Wide Web.............unless you are in China!!

What a tool
What a success

Linking mere mortals around the world.

Never in the history of man has an invention captured the minds and thoughts and been a success with a rate of growth and expansion such as this.

At the mere stroke of a key, you can communicate, purchase, send endless streams of info to the other side of the world, view photos, arrange holidays, blogging, find school friends, long lost relatives, social networking and to give Iain Dale a place for his constant diatribe to pour out.

However when someone mentions the internet 1 of the main subjects is always pornography and the huge content of XXX rated sites, images and videos..........that I have been told are in existence.
Each to their own I say.

Our internet phenomenon has also spurned the arrival of a beautiful thing......



The Dating website.

No longer do people have to live alone.

No longer do men and women have to trawl through endless nightclubs and drinking dens picking up the stragglers at 2am.

No longer do people have to go to Tesco and stand for ages at the "ready meals for 1" section on the off chance that a ..........errrr like minded individual happens to pass by.

No more "single with GSOH looking for similar non smoker for nights in/out" type adverts at the back of the local freebie rag.

When.........with a few short mins on the various date sites you can find the love of your life. A matched individual with quality and values you yourself hold and desire in others.



Example

For those of you with a raging dose of the clap there is ............





For those ladies who require a particular level of income in their lives and to whom age is no issue in love there is..........





For those of you to whom a naughty smoke of a very dubious nature is your thing, there is.............





And my absolute favourite because even if you are psychopathic murderer on death row you still have a lot of love to give........





MMMMMMWWWWAAAAHHHHHHHHH come get me baby !!!!!

Post-match interview hit by spot-fixing claims after Pakistan player mentions all Bananarama’s greatest hits

The police investigation of Pakistan cricketers following allegations of spot-fixing – the practice of rigging certain incidents within a match – took another twist today after Shahid Afridi, captain of the Pakistan one-day team, incongruously made reference to every track from Bananarama’s 1988 Greatest Hits album during a post-match interview.

‘It’s been a Cruel Summer, and that’s Really Saying Something,’ Afridi told reporters after his team’s latest loss to England. ‘But I think the media has given us Rough Justice. I Heard a Rumour that we were deliberately trying to lose today’s game after I accidentally ran out our top six batsmen, but let me say for the record that I Can’t Help It. They were all genuine mix-ups, though I’m sure some of the guys would have run a bit faster if they’d known how much was riding on it.’

Suspicions were also aroused about Pakistan’s performance after they picked the previously unknown Nathan Jones to open the batting. ‘Nathan is in the team on merit and thanks to his Pakistani step-uncle,’ said Afridi. ‘He brings something different to the squad, and I don’t just mean sun cream – I mean Love, Truth and Honesty. Yes, I can see how his unorthodox style of running away from the bowlers might have raised a few eyebrows, but T’aint What You Do (It’s The Way That You Do It).’

When asked if Nathan Jones would be picked for the next game, Afridi said he was ‘less likely to say to him I Want You Back, and more likely to Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye.’ The press conference ended shortly afterwards when the Pakistan captain told surprised journalists that he had to cut things short because Robert De Niro’s Waiting.

As if things could not get worse for the game of cricket, later the same day the entire Radio 4 Test Match Special commentary team was arrested on suspicion of spot-fixing. Police say they recorded 38 mentions of cake during the morning session alone, and in what they can only assume to be a complex code to underground bookmakers, noted Henry Blofeld making extraneous references to a No.27 bus going down the Marylebone Road in the third, eighth and tenth overs of each innings.



Bwahahahaha source

Rangers fan tells BBC North West Tonight his hopes for the game!!!

Seee Thaaaaat, Thhaaaats just pure dead brilliant so it is !!!!!!!

Roooooooonnnnnneeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy !!

Look

I am not saying she is a bit dim.

But when Coleen Rooney found out Wayne had spent £1200 on a 19 year old escort, she said " Well for that money I hope it is taxed and MOT'd".

Go Right Ahead !

Go over to the Slugs place here

His response is exactly the same as mine




And that response would be:

It doesn’t matter how good you are (or you think you are), how brilliant our supposed public services are in your juvenile, collectivist mindset; There is no money. There is less than no money. In fact the sheer scale of the money we do not have is hilarious. Further, the rate at which we are still losing money is fucking deranged.

This means that those on the public payroll face two prospects:
Earn less in some manner, or, become fewer in number.
Or both.
Or burn your office down and decide make a living creating dungeon porn. It’s a seller’s market.

Hey, don’t look at me –blame the incompetent revenue pissers who you put in power for 13 years. If they hadn’t inflated your numbers to roughly that of Beijing, we wouldn't have (as much of) a problem now, would we?

And a ‘more brutish society’? Exactly which of you fuckers are keeping the barbarians from the gates? Whoever you are, I admire your near-perfect stealth behind what would appear to be an ingenious cover of barely-functional bureaucracy and petty fascism. Well done, oh arbiters of social progress and guardians of our harmonious and prosperous way of life.

Ah fuck it, go ahead and strike and show us how important you are not.


H/T to the Mollusk.

Oh and 1 last thing..........the group of cock sniffers that are whoooping you up into this frenzy........into the supposed rebellion.......into the civil disobedience.............check out these stats.

Bob Crow (RMT) - £79,564 in salary, £26,115 in pension contributions, £13,013 expenses
John Hannett (USDAW) - £81,742 salary, £16,389 pension contributions
Billy Hayes (CWU) - £83,530 salary, £14,190 pension contributions
Sally Hunt (UCU) - £63,743 salary, £7,612 pension contributions, £2705 car benefit (start of June 2006 to end of May 2007)
Paul Kenny (GMB) - £81,000 salary, £21,000 superannuation (pension contributions), £8,000 car
Dave Prentis (Unison) - £92,187 salary, £23,603 pension contributions, £11,646 expenses and car benefit
Derek Simpson (Unite-Amicus) - £62,673 salary, £16,156 pension contributions, £13,333 car allowance, £26,181 housing benefit (Derek Simpson now receives nearly £200,000 in pay and benefits, with his pay package increasing 17 percent this year. He also has the right to stay in his £800,000 house in Hertfordshire until he dies, after which his partner will be able to remain there at a heavily subsidised rate.
Simpson, according the Times, demanded that the union subsidise his accommodation to "make it affordable" - a perk worth about £40,00, bringing his total remuneration to £194,252.)
Mark Serwotka (PCS) - £82,094 salary, £26,104 pensions contributions, £2,245 additional housing cost allowance and additional housing cost supplement
Steve Sinnott (NUT) - £99,846 salary, £23,963 pension contributions
Tony Woodley (Unite-TGWU) - £59,333 salary, £9,552 pension contributions, car fuel £3,360
Matt Wrack (FBU) - £66,389 salary, £44,281 pension contributions, £5,134 car

Like they will suffer...........no don't think so!!!
So when you have been on the picket lines freezing your tits off, and you don't have a penny in pocket because you have not been paid........ don't worry 200k and all the company Range Rovers in the world will ensure Derek Simpson and the other 2 faced fuckers will be right behind you.

As long as they can close the door at night, turn up the heating and draw the curtains.

Unions...........united together.............I shit you!

DO F*!%ING WHAT ????

This individual sat back and due to her inadequacy as a professional and as a human being systematically failed to save the life of a child and now Sharon Shoesmith is to give advice to MPs on child safety...............DO FUCKING WHAT?

SEE HERE

Has the country gone fucking mad ?!?!?!?!


The disgraced former head of social services at the heart of the Baby P scandal is to give advice to MPs on child safety, it was revealed last night.

Sharon Shoesmith, whose council team repeatedly failed to save Peter Connelly from the adults who beat him to death, is to give evidence next week.

She was sacked as Haringey Council's director of children's services by then Children's Secretary Ed Balls after her team failed to take Baby P into care despite serious evidence of abuse.



It is a good job I do not have a dog!!!

Pure Racism

A racist attack this blatant should not be tolerated.

No place in society for it.

I am disgusted.

A Personal Letter From Nancy Regan

We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady.




You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.



Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster,



and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.



There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:



To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan


My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.

In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.

We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.

We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family


P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.