Smoking lobby speaks out against swimming pool pissing ban

Still smarting from the ban on smoking in public places, the tobacco industry today turned its attention to another unjustified infringement of civil liberties that it says has clear parallels to the smoking ban – the requirement that all urinators leave swimming pools if they want to enjoy a piss.

‘Let’s be clear,’ said a spokesman for British American Tobacco, ‘damage to the cigarette business was never our primary concern about the smoking ban. What keeps us awake at night is the nanny state’s gradual erosion of the rights of the individual. It’s cigarettes in pubs one day, pissing in pools the next. There is a clear trend towards the banning of all sociable pastimes, and we cannot stand idly by and watch.’

‘The medical evidence put forward to support this outrageous ban is partial and contradictory,’ insisted a spokesman for grass-roots organisation FORESP, Freedom Of Right to Enjoy Swimming-pool Pissing. ‘Many doctors are certain that there are no harmful effects whatsoever from swimming in a pool full of someone else’s urine, and to appease the few whingers we all have our fundamental right to piss in public pools infringed. It’s a pleasant, warm feeling and does no-one any harm, for goodness sake!’

However, leisure centres up and down the country are adamant that a ban on pissing in pools is essential if they are to protect employees such as lifeguards and swimming instructors from the harmful effects of what doctors are calling ‘passive pissing’. ‘These people have the right to get on with their jobs without being exposed to second-hand urine,’ said David Nicholson, Chief Executive of the NHS. ‘I’m not saying we should ban pissing all together – that would be uncomfortable for everyone – but all the evidence suggests that pissing can lead to health problems in the long term, and floating yellow slicks in the short term.’

But if authorities are to tackle the harm caused by pissing, many believe they need to challenge the widely-held view that it is acceptable to empty your bladder in public swimming baths.

‘It was having kids that changed my perspective,’ said one former pisser, Gordon Renfrew. ‘I quit eight years ago. It was tough at first – I missed the warmth and camaraderie. still get the urge from time to time, especially if I’m out swimming with friends who still piss, but I’d never go back to it. That said,I have been known to nip into the toilets to have a sneaky little slash in the basins. Just to be sociable, mind.’